So I have now turned another year older. Mentally and emotionally I would class myself to be aged around 60-70, however the vessel that carries me is a mere 24. But with this added year, comes a whole new abundance of issues.
I’ve had my fair share of existential crises over the years, but I hadn’t experienced one in the last couple of years, and I had ignorantly fooled myself into believing I had “grown out” of it. At around 1am in the morning on my Birthday, I awoke from my slumber with the crushing familiar feeling of existentialism. Now, I’ve always pondered the meaning of life, and what purpose our lives hold, but when I get hit with these crises, all of the unanswerable questions of our universe and my own life come crashing down upon me and I am incapable of completing even the smallest of tasks. I can just about drag myself out of bed and go to the bathroom (and that’s only when my kidneys are hurting me out of protest). I can’t take a shower, or cook myself food, not even make myself a cup of coffee. But other than that, I become a metaphorical vegetable. I just lie there wallowing in my own cataclysm of thoughts.
During quarantine, I have been working from home, but my flat mate has been staying at her partners as they are both on Furlough. Now, I am usually someone who loves being on their own (I’m not necessarily an introvert, but I am very selective about who I invest time and energy in) and in the beginning it was great having the whole apartment to myself and it was so easy to concentrate on work, without someone moaning at me that I needed to take a break and 15 hour workdays were “unhealthy” – a statement that is made to me on a frequent basis. But after about 6 weeks (we are now in week 9), I had begun to miss the human connection. I’m not an overly affectionate person, and I’m not one to hug or be in contact with someone a lot, but I found myself aware of the absence of it. So it was just myself left alone with my thoughts – a very dangerous situation with someone like me. Now, pair the above with my history of contemplating human existence, the fact that I made the decision to leave a 7 year happy relationship, not knowing fully the reasoning why at the time, along with my long track record of mental illness and you have an absolute clusterfuck. An existential crisis waiting to happen, all it simply needs is the final catalyst; another year of ageing.
This is why I have been huddled up like a burrito in my bed for 2 days straight hardly moving from it. Weighed down with all of the never ending questions of human existence. I don’t think people can truly appreciate how crippling this can be unless they have been through it themselves or witnessed someone else spiral down that rabbit hole.
So whilst I have been able to write this rambling (which I am currently writing on my balcony, in an effort to help prepare me for the return to work tomorrow) please now excuse me whilst I return to the confinement’s of my bed burrito…